hlf is killing me :(

Reminiscing.

Somehow he's the only guy which undersands me the most and also the only one who I haven't fallen for yet. To be honest he's really handsome but I just don't feel this attraction towards him. Any girl should be the luckiest girl in the whole wide world if they have someone like him. He's funny, sweet, smart, understanding. Well a perfect so called "bad" boy that has a heart of gold. I really he can truly find his happiness. Really I'll be really hurt for him if he doesn't. He deserves the best thing and I hope he'd finally find her. Because seeing so madly in love wih the wrong girl wasn't just right. Because obviously she was only using him and you know that sucks cus I know how it feels sometimes. I don't know why I wanted to talk about him in here today but you know it hit me when he asked me earlier if I was hurt. I don't know but I froze somehow. I guess he saw it through my eyes. Therr were no words said but I think we understood each other.

Somebody kill me

hlf, monde, english, economie
seriously it's killing me.

When I see the tissues on my bed, I still remember how I always cry myself to sleep. But I guess it's getting better now. I just closed my eyes at night and I pass out because I don't want to think. Think about everything because I know that I will not handle my tears to fall. But then again, it doesn't matter anymore.

You're not worth it.

I cant wait to be done with high school.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me like I do. Do you know how I am broken because of you. I don't even recognize myself in some times. I don't know what I've became but because of you I am a better me. I try to love myself more because of the pain I feel because of you. Ironic right? And to think that you have no idea about everything..

I have to thank everyone that wished me a happy birthday, it really warms my heart because they took the type to write it on my facebook wall or say it to me. Especially my sister's ex boyfriend. He was like a brother to me and I've known him for so long and it really sucks that we can't see each other anymore because they broke up. Receiving a message from him did made me want to cry. I hope that everything is okay with him and that he can find his true happiness because he is such a great guy and he deserves it! I'd so much fun yesterday at school even though I saw a black cat when I was walking towards school. I was suppose to have an oral but didn't (YEES). I find it really awkward when people sing a happy birthday song to you because I don't know what to do and I always end up looking lost and shy ahaha. At night, I had a dinner korean bbq with some friends an it was realy fun as always because they're really funny. Maybe some of them I don't see as often but we always have a good time when we are together do those are moments that I have to cherish. Anyway that was pretty much it. I bought a new lipstick and I love it even though my family don't seem to like it.. It doesnt matter to me hihi :)

Omg just shut up already

How can it be possible that I still love him. I can't find someone better than him I guess but fuck why. Why can't just fucking move on god! Because seriously my mind tells me to let go for a long time but my fucking heart is still holding on to him. Love is stupid. I don't this fucking crap. It will be almost two years that I fucking love him serisouly I am idiot but at the same time I can't blame myself because I'm not trying hard to look for someone. What's the point anyway? At the day this person is going to hurt you and it will juste repeat history itself.

cant wait to see my best friends in two weeks, i missed them so much! cant wait to catch on with them :)

I really do miss my childhood best friends. I can't believe I'm still really good friends with my first childhood best friend. The first girl I have ever talked to. A shy girl with short hair and always likes to wear yellow when she was younger has turned into this super hot and sweet Asian girl. She's the nicest girl ever if you meet her. We've spent wonderful summers together. We've actually reconnected during an English summer class and she actually remember me. That was awesome really. After that, we started talking to each other again even though we barely know a thing about each other because we were so young back then. Still, it turns out we are now super good friend and she's one of my favorite girls. Thank you God for giving me a second chance to meet her again! Also, I can't believe I reconnected with my second childhood best friend. I ran into her when I was eating with my grandpa. It's the first time in 9 years that we've talked since she moved to China. I'm glad that she came back. It was awkward but it was understandable for both of us to feel that way. She's stunning, she's really gorgeous and somehow I wish we can go back the way we were like when we were little kids. Playing in the pool, inventing a little castle in my room and doing lots of fun stuff together. Crushing on the boy. She was like my sister and her departure torn me apart.I really miss her! I will never forget my best friend forever and ever, that I've known for 11 years now. She's the best thing that have ever happened to me. She's funny, beautiful, smart. A wonderful best friend that a girl can ever have. I will always remember the first that she came to my house and we bought a slush in Couche-tard. The color looked disguting and we taped it in my webcam. Seriously I'VE LOST THOSE VIDEOS :( But they will always be in my mind because I've watched them for more than a hundred time and I will always tell her how silly we were when we were 7 years old. I will always remember every memory that we have together because they were the best thing ever to me. Funny moments, sad moments and also angry moments. I will always cherish them. 11 years isn't just a small number but I know that we have forever to make together because I don't want to lose this precious girl ever. OF course if there's her, there's another her. I've known her the same day I've known S. C is the bomb. She's hot and also she's pretty violented when you mess with her. But she's my home girl so I guess she won't beat me up. Also like S, she's funny, intelligent and a wonderful friend that a girl can ever have. I really miss her and I don't see her as often as I want but everytime we get together with S, we are just like we were back in the days. I miss them so much. I also really miss this other good friend. Can't believe we've known each other for 7 years. It was on a random class that my mother have signed me up for. I guess she was the only girl I wanted to talk to. She was like the perfect girl to me. We've then, started off our friendship during that summer that I will never forget. We have done so many silly things together. I will always remember why I was so skinny back then ahaha because of her of course. We went to the pool almost everyday and we stayed there for at least 2 hours. Just playing around and inventing games. Also when we were at her house and playing with her brothers in the dark by throwing at each other peels of oranges and after that, her mom was so angry that she made us cleaning it up. We were so closed back then. What happened to us? Like her mom was practically my mom. Seriously I've pushed so many people away from me. I don't know why but there's just a problem with me. But really I have to cherish so many of them because I don't want to lose any single of them. I'm scared to get hurt but I already am so why not take this chance and make it happen. Trust them with all your heart. That's what you have to do sometimes in life. Because they have made the person I am now and I'm glad they've entered my life. <333

Tonight, I talked on the phone with my best friend for at least 3 hours. I miss her so much. I really do miss her. Even though it's been months and months we haven't talked and seen each other, I know that deep down we're always going to be best friend. She's the reason why I still believe in friendship. I've known her forever and it sucks that she lives so far away from me. We don't go to the same high school. I'm such a bad friend seriously. I don't deserve someone as wonderful as her. I love her so much! 

Cant sleep but still, emptyness is comsuming me...

Re-reading our old conversation and wishing we can go back the way we were at that moment..

I feel like restarting a brand new life.

你愛我，我愛他，他愛她，她愛他

我還歡喜他..everyday i think of the chance that i could have with him but wasn't bold enough to try harder.

I'm thankful for those that stayed all along <3

Is it normal for someone to always cry until they fall asleep. I hate this stage of my life, seriously I hate it! Why am I feeling this sad? What is causing all this unknown pain?

You know sometimes, some people are just not that worthy to fight for

Busiest night @ work, pratically dying

The future does frighten me a little bit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going into the right direction and I feel scared of failing. Right now, it's like I'm traveling a dark tunnel and I can't help myself of being terrified.

Broken is what I can describe of what I'm feeling right now.

I hate crying myself to sleep but sometimes it's also a relief for me. At least I know that tomorrow is a better day!

Finally , I can sleep without worries.. what a freaking week

Why do I still hope for something to happen? Why do I still care? Why can't I just fucking erase this boy.....

To be honest, I don't know what I've became lately.. I love who I am but the fact that I say that I'm happy seem like a lie. I don't really believe in such a thing called happiness because somewhere in the road, there are things that will destroy it. I mean being happy without all those thing. Have I succeed? I think my happiness comes from maturity I believe. I don't believe in love, friendship, trust. Those were the thing that made who I was but as time went on, it's like all those things have disapear from my point of view. As for love, I can my expectations are too high and unable for someone to reach. I guess it's my fault. Love, I don't believe when it comes to me. People can't commit, people are too selfish, people want to be in a relationship just to be in one. It sucks because love/being in a relationship has lost its meaning. I'm scared to be someone that is only looking for a label because to me, labels don't matter much. It is the feeling that does. It's the happily ever after that might last. It's a silly girl's dream but still... It's what I want. But I don't believe in it anymore. I've became dark in some way. No more feeling for anyone.. Well for those that matters to me. As for friends, I guess in life, you only have few that do matter. Those people are your real friends. Those that will stick around no matter what. It doesn't matter the amount of time that you guys have spend together but it's the memories and the feeling that you both shared that matters. I have lost trust in people but for the friends out there that are trustworthy... Hopefully they won't disapoint me. I don't want to be more broken than what I am.
I feel broken somehow, empty. I hate this feeling but I just have to suck it up and move on and live life...